Funny!

I sent this as an email, but thought that it was funny enough to post as well.
I also urge you to read Barbara's latest post - also very funny and a little more thought provoking.


Thinking of Having Kids (or grand kids)? Do this 11 step program first!

Lesson 1.
Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline.
2 . Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.
Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3
A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM-10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. Eat cold food with one hand for dinner
3. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
4. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
5. Set the alarm for 3AM.
6. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM, make a drink and watch an infomercial.
7. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
8. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
9. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
10. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)
Repeat steps 1-9 each night.
Keep this up for 3-5 years.
Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4
Can you stand the mess children make?
To find out...
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.

Lesson 6
Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7
Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat.
1. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight.
2. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9
Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, theT eletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 10
Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhereyou go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will say 'it's all worth it!' Share it with your friends, both those who do and don't have kids. I guarantee they'll get a chuckle out of it. Remember, a sense of humor is of the most important things you'll need when you become a parent!

Great News Weekend!

Well, Rick was sent home on Saturday - yippee!! Still under the watchful eye of the Docs on a weekly basis though. I'm very relieved and happy all is well.

Also, I'm Going to be an Auntie, I'm going to be an Aunti!!!!! In addition to my two nieces on the Heer side I get to add another niece or nephew on the FESKE side!!
Jimmy and Megan are expecting a baby this fall. I am beyond excited because that means the cousins will only be 3 months apart.

Great News Weekend indeed.

Grandpa Rick

I'm really not much of a worrier but that's mostly because I have a lot of faith and tend to look at situations in a positive light.

This post is just to share part of what's going on in my life with my StepDad, Rick. This week he has been in the hospital doing some tests because he has been experiencing Atrial Fibrillation. If you're curious about what that is please read the following:

Normally, your heart contracts and relaxes to a
regular beat. Certain cells in your heart make
electric signals that cause the heart to contract
and pump blood. These electrical signals show
up on an electrocardiogram, or ECG recording.
Your doctor can read your ECG to find out if the
electric signals are normal.
In atrial fibrillation, the two small upper
chambers or atria of the heart don’t beat the
way they should. Instead of beating in a regular,
normal pattern, the atria beat irregularly and too
fast. It’s important for the heart to pump
properly, because that’s how your body gets the
oxygen and food it needs. You can live with
atrial fibrillation, but it can lead to other rhythm
problems, chronic fatigue, heart failure and —
worst of all — stroke. You’ll need a doctor to
help you control the problem.

Rick has also been diagnosed with a high red blood cell count and is being watched to find out what is causing that. Blood pressure is being watched carefully and he is also being given medication to help him reduce his amount of water retention (in the last 3 days he has lost 16 pounds of water weight).

Luckily, he has access to both internet and phone in the hospital and is still running his business as best he can without actually physically being there. Mom is lending a helping hand with that for him.

Mom and Rick are tired and would like to be home soon and that's what we want for them too. Send a little love and a prayer their way for me. There can never be too many supporters.

And, if you're wondering about the picture it's of Rick and I at DisneyWorld (Japan, Epcot) celebrating our birthdays - his is one day before mine!

Honesty

I love to talk to certain mom friends of mine who are really honest about what it's like raising kids. I had a lengthy conversation with my cousin the other day and we kept saying "I am so glad you said that!"
Let's face it, once your kids reach a certain age it becomes more and more difficult to use what I call the kindergarten teacher tone. When my four year old is being anything but cooperative, or my soon to be two year old is going in to a complete meltdown I find myself wanting to throw something (or someone) out the window! I say that figuratively, of course, but that's how I feel and I use that phrase quite a bit. I don't say it to my children, but I say it behind their backs when I'm venting to someone who completely understands.
If I didn't have you other moms out there to talk to, relate to, vent to and share and compare with I would probably feel like the biggest failure alive. You make me feel normal to be normal. I am not perfect - not by a long shot - and it makes me feel so much better when another mom starts a conversation by saying "you want to know my bad mom moment today?"
We love our kids so much and we all want to be so perfect but we are only human and if we weren't flawed atleast from time to time we mine as well be stepford wives.
Give yourself a pat on the back for doing your best and even toast yourself to an adult beverage tonight (that is, if you're not currently carrying a load like yours truly).
Goooooooooooooo Moms!!

Happy Easter From the "Hares"

When your last name is Heer, Easter has just got to be a favorite holiday!

Even though the girls needed snow boots with their Easter dresses it was still a wonderful day. We are grateful for all that Easter stands for and also for time spent with family. Get a load of those girl cousins.

Oh My Word

We all had a fun and exciting weekend only to wake up to a gloomy, cloudy and SNOWY Monday. Arg.
Anyway, Bill was kind of enough to take a 1/2 day of work off on Friday so I could get my hair done. I seriously did not think he would say yes, but he did!! The bleach blonde is gone and we're back to basics again.
Saturday afternoon I attended a wedding shower. It's been a long time since I've been to one of those. Part of the shower was for guests to write down marital advise. I did finally come up with something, but when you stop and think about it the words don't come that easily do they?
Saturday night I was back up at the restaurant which, I have decided, may not last as long as I thought it would. My hips and legs were aching all day Sunday and I was beyond tired. We'll see what happens there.
I noticed Sunday morning that Cecelia's pants were laying in the tub drying. I asked Bill why there were there (assuming she just didn't make it to the bathroom in time) and he informed me that she tried to flush them down the toilet. I laughed so hard I had tears streaming down my face. Mostly because of his play by play of how he caught her pantless in the bathroom, asking her what what going on, her quickly shutting the toilet lid and promply washing her hands and then his discovery of the pants in the toilet. It makes me laugh still thinking about it. He said I wouldn't have found it that funny at the time. He's probably right.
We met up with some friends at the Children's Museum and then for lunch. They brought the girls fabulous gifts from their recent trip to Disney - and even a little Fantasia Mickey for little old me!
Last night Bill was doing more of the same as of late - putting things together for my outrageous organizational spree I've been on. I now have shelves in my laundry room and I couldn't be more excited!!
Today our long walk has been put on hold by the crappy weather so I'll just have to be content with a snuggle day indoors with my babies.
Still working on that camera for you - the belly is big and now the tummy rolls when baby moves. Too cool.

Realization

I have realized today that I do not like to share my food. If you ask Bill he will say this is not a new discovery for him, but it sort of is for me. I have always given Bill a hard time for eating my food - like if I order french fries and he says he doesn't want any but then eats mine 10 at a time. However, I realized today that I don't even really like to share with my kids. When Cecelia became a toddler I started eating junkie food only when she was asleep because I didn't want her to eat the same crap I was eating. Now, I think I do it so I don't have to share. This morning I didn't have time to eat breakfast with the girls because I woke up late (whole other story - ah hem, Bill!). So after I dropped CeCe off at school I made myself some waffles. Of course, Delaney stood in front of me the entire time with her mouth wide open like a baby bird waiting for her bite. It was seriously a race to see who could be ready for the next bite first, each of us not wanting the other person to get more. I asked her repeatedly to go play but she just laughed and stood there with her mouth open.
Anyway, let this be a lesson. If we are ever given the opportunity to go out to eat together don't even think about asking for some of my food. hahaha.

It's a Girl!

We are insane with excitement! The ultrasound yesterday showed a perfect and healthy baby girl. We are beyond grateful for this gift of life. We are not sure how we will handle a houseful of girls, but cannot quibble over gender when we have been so blessed.
When I think of how fortunate we are to be able to add to our family with relative ease it makes me want to cry. Sometimes I wonder how we got so lucky. Add to that the health and beauty of our children and it's almost too much to take in.
It's a completely different experience already knowing who's inside of me. It has given my baby an identity. We can make references to "her" and use the term "she". Being able to give her a name and completely prepare for her arrival is going to be so much fun. By the time she arrives it'll be like, "she's here".
Cecelia is asking so many questions about her - today she asked if she likes to splash in the water that she lives in. She also asked if the doctor will hold my leg and if I will push "like this" and made grunting sounds. I told her yes to all of the above and then she asked if she could come to the doctor when the baby comes. It's so cool having a child old enough to understand what's happening. Both the girls will be amazing older sisters.
I am so proud.