It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?' Obviously not; no one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I'm invisible. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this?

Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.'

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going, she's going, she's gone!

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England . Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.' It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription:

'To Charlotte , with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names. These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it.' And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.'
I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.'

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.

I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, 'You're gonna love it there.'

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.

Grateful

A friend's blog opened my eyes yesterday.
There are two new links on here today and if you read them you will understand why my eyes have been opened and why I am grateful.
I have realized that I need to be more appreciative of the mundane and day to day lives of each and every one of us.
Thank you , God. Thank you, thank you , thank you.

Go, Go Mama

Recently someone close to me said to someone else close to me "Well, not everyone can stay as busy as A.J." I felt that this was a compliment. I am definitely an active participant in my own life - and I prefer it that way.
We do have help when we need it, and I am very grateful for that. However, we don't have as much help as a lot of other families that we know. My mom is coming to visit this Friday (CAN'T WAIT!), but I haven't seen her since Christmas.
Most people don't understand how I do it without her here. It's simple. This is our life, our house and our kids. We do it because it's our responsibility and what we always wanted and worked very hard for.
Having said that I do have to openly admit that I can get jealous when I hear of other people's parents coming over to watch their kids while they get something done at home or calling just to see if they can have the kids for a night. I think to myself, what would I do if I had that kind of help and support right at my fingertips?
The truth is, it wasn't like that when I was a kid so I don't even know if that's what it would be like even if my parents did live 10 minutes away. For them, being a grandparent is completely different than being a parent. I guess, in my mind, that's how it should be.
My parents come for the weekend and get to truly enjoy my girls. Generally speaking, Bill and I change diapers, feed and bath and put to bed. That's our job. My parents play, tease, read to and give the girls special things - big and small.
When I need to clean out my office, I do it with the girls at home. When it's time to put a piece of furniture together or paint a wall, we do it with the girls at home. When we grocery shop or run errands, the girls come with. When we are getting the house together for a birthday party, baptismal reception, Christmas get together, or the like - guess what - the girls are here.
I don't really feel that this is any great feat. After all, I have Bill and we are a team.
It could be a lot worse.
But, just for the record, I am proud of what I can accomplish in a day all on my own, or with Bill.
I like that we are the only ones who have a real say in how to deal with our children. Mostly, I LOVE that when we do get time with my parents it's spent having fun (and, OK, getting a little...a LOT spoiled) - even if it's just for a few days.

Got Me Going

It is so crappy outside. I have a better word to describe it, but thought I should keep this a G-rated blog.

So, being stuck inside I was looking through the computer at some old pictures and came across these two from Christmas of '06.

Jimmy and Megan sent Cecelia an Aurora (Sleeping Beauty) wig to go with her dress she got at Disney for a Christmas gift.

It is seriously so beautiful. I'm thinking about using it when I go out on the town.

Thoughts?

Blog Nerd

Hi, my name is A.J. and I am a total blog nerd. Guess what, that probably means you are too if you're reading this.

My intention in starting this blog was to have a way for my family (NONE of whom live anywhere near me) could view recent pictures of our family and read about our daily lives. What I didn't expect was the network of other friends and family that I would make and become, quite frankly, addicted to.

It's like a sickness. I get on this machine and must see what is happening with so-and-so, and so-and-so. It's my own personal version of Days of Our Lives - minus the murder. I seriously love reading about what other people are doing, what their kids are doing and how we're all handling it.

I have been able to connect and reconnect with some very cool people (you know who you are). I have learned so much through this blogging business and gained so much by peering in to the lives of others.

What is really nice about all this, too, is that most bloggers are women with families. I link on to one blog and link to another only to find another really cool person with interesting things to say.

I hope you understand that I'm not a voyeur, but a learner and most importantly a nerd.

Twin Cities, MN - (and some cute pictures)

Just a few more recent pictures. Delaney waking up in her crib, my BELLY, Cecelia looking all grown up, and the girls camped out on my bedroom floor.

The pictures of CeCe and I are from the day we went to the MN Orchestra for "Mozart: You Kid You." The day was very cool as her and I were "the Ladies" going to the Orchestra together.

What I love about living in a metro is the opportunity to experience things just like that.

I know I've been complaining of the long and cold winter, but the truth is I'd rather be suffering through it here, in a bustling city, than anywhere else in the midwest.

Just in the last few months alone we have done the Mall of America (extremely culturally stimulating - if you ask me!), the Children's Museum, the MN Zoo, Como Zoo, the Circus, Arboretum, a few theater shows, the Orchestra, and on and on. As the weather warms it will only get better and better adding to our list MN Twins games, neighborhood parks, biking trails, beaches and countless summer festivals including the Taste of MN and the State Fair!

I LOVE that we are 10 minutes from either skyline - Minneapolis or St. Paul.

I think I'm a city girl at heart. I love the people, the hustle and bustle and the opportunity.

I'll never get sick of too many options.

Six Months

I have now entered my 6th month of pregnancy which meant a little doctor visit last night.
All is well, lots of movement, slow and steady heartbeat and Mom is doing great. I was experiencing some leg cramping but have since upped my water intake and that seems to have taken care of the problem.
This pregnancy seems to be taking a little more toll of my body at an earlier stage, though. After a full day on my feet my hips will ache. I get winded pretty easy and don't seem to have the strength I used to. I'm not sure if I'm to blame it on it being my 3rd pregnancy in 4 years, or a long and sedentary winter. I look forward to spring and summer. Walks to the park and swimming in the pool will do the body good.
Naming our girl is at a stand still right now. Bill has a name in mind but I'm having a hard time settling on it quite yet. I do love the name, but am afraid to say it's a final decision. Hopefully I will make up my mind in the next month or two. It would be fun to prepare Cecelia and Delaney by calling the baby by name before she arrives. It's such a big decision.......
Also, I happen to think to myself this morning "what if this is my last pregnancy?" Since this isn't exactly my first rodeo I haven't spent a lot of time just spending time with my bump. Will I regret not soaking it all in once it's all over?
And, how do women/families know when they're done?? Is it just a feeling or more a logical decision? I want a feeling, and a strong one at that. I want there to be just this overwhelming emotion of, this is it, we are complete. Is that realistic?
For now I am focusing on what I've got in front of me, which is going to be a brand new teeny tiny baby girl. Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Also, maybe I will actually post something non kid related in the near future.